Conditional Superheroes

Invisible ka lang kapag nakahubad at nakapikit ka,

you turn invisible when you have sex and reach orgasm.

Invincible ka lang kapag tulog.

You have the power to fall asleep and wake up at will.

May power ka na maging super bagal.

You know those livestock auctioneers? Gifted to speak very fast.
Kuya Ceasar, on the other hand, has the power
to say things very very slowly.
“Do I hear 100?…. 100 to the man in red… ay, umuwi na pala sya….”

May power ka to involuntarily speed up time but not motion
Imagine you wake up at 6 a.m., brush your teeth,
and see it’s already 11:30.pm. Time to sleep motherfucker.

You have the power to predict time.
“People, it’s going to be 10:30 p.m. in two minutes!”

or have the power to tell actual time accurately,
Your catch phrases will be
“It’s time…” and “It’s about time!”
they will call you “The Citizen”.

You can have the power to fly
pero magiging manok ka habambuhay
…and lay eggs.

Or you can have the power to fly 2 inches from the ground.

You are bulletproof …and waterproof.
Ang weakness mo, pag pinahiran ng tae,
forever ka ng super baho.

The power to tell whether a person is having breakfast or brunch,
and incidentally, his or her gender.

You have the power to cut sandwiches in exactly equal halves,
but it takes two days for you to do it.

You have the power to act strange.

Your arch nemesis is O.C. You have the power get things mixed up.

You have the power to be colorblind. Your weakness, traffic lights.

You have the power to make extremely quick but wrong decisions.
People call you SuperMMDA. Your weakness is a 100-peso bill.

You can receive low frequency radio waves,
kaya lang AM at one tagalog drama program lang
which you receive whenever your mouth opens
amplifying it directly through your ass when farting.

You have the power to sniff fart as actual food.

With your mind, you have the power to receive but not send text messages.

You have the power to ask rhetorical questions
such as, “What the fuck am I doing here?” and “Who cares?”

You have the power to change people’s opinion…
that what you’re saying is actually funny.
…or just the power to find yourself funny.

Nothing can hurt you, but you are completely paralyzed
…and blind …and deaf-mute. They will call you, “The Rock.”
Other superheroes will throw you at their enemies. You won’t feel a thing.

You have the power to control with your mind, Velcro and wool,
and your toes in five different directions.

May special power ka na magvulcanize ng flat tires.

You can make things super clean. People will call you “Super Janitor”,
and they will pay you about the same salary as others.
You will then be called a martyr and a national hero.

You teleport when you sneeze.

You have the power to drink as much beer as you can
pero di ka tinatamaan.

You have infinite super powers
pero allergic ka sa beer, …impotent ka pa.
Super tigas katawan, super lambot ng etits.

You can have all the super powers you wish for
and be impervious to anything
pero impervious ka din sa love.
Walang nagmamahal sa yo,
maski na ang supernanay mo.